Tunnel

Tunnel

I have lived my life in a tunnel.  Focused on fitting in; morphing to fit where I thought I should.

In junior high and high school, navigating friend groups so tenuously, never really convinced I belonged.

In college, becoming more free on one hand, yet tethering myself to a relationship I lost so much of myself to on the other.  I was convinced my savior would be for him to love me, and lost so many years chasing something that didn’t exist.

Later on, throwing myself headfirst into step-motherhood.  I loved those boys fiercely and crafted a family, solving crises and saving everyone but myself.  I over-achieved and succeeded in every way except my own.  I came out of it lost and broken, looking for solace and healing in the most desperate way.

What now?  Where has that focus and drive gone?  I float from day to day, issue to issue, still expertly solving and managing my professional and personal world.  But I’m still sacrificing; I’m still tunnel focused on everything but my own gifts, and where best to apply them.

Maybe it’s about time I kick the shit out of my coping skills, turn the mirror as inward as possible, and shake that brilliant girl upside down until she agrees to come out of that tunnel and conquer.  Her time has come; I just need to get over my own bullshit (fear of failure) and be brave enough to take her hand.

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